Be True To You!

From Grief to Peace

January 2, 2017 by originalcyn Leave a Comment

I have never been a stranger to grief. In 1993 I lost my father and thanks to friends in Florida, I found the joys in life again. I lived life to the fullest most of the time. I did have my down days but I was able to pull myself out of it. However, in October 2014, my world came crashing down around me when Mom passed away. I became bitter and angry with God, the doctors and her. I was mad at God because he let her die and the doctors because they couldn’t save her. I was furious at her because she chose to let herself die. Part of me said she was at peace with Dad but my heart and head only knew anger and heartache.

To understand my journey from anger to peace, you will need to the last two months of her life. In August she announced that she had been to her Doctor and was waiting for the results. Her appointment came and I went with her. I wanted to hear the results for myself. My heart sank as the doctor spoke about uterine and ovarian growths and certain blood levels. I knew instantly that we were fighting cancer. I just wasn’t aware how bad it was.

On Sept 6^th Mom, accompanied by her children, went to the Gynecologic Oncology expert in Morristown. Our worst fears were realized and a plan was put into place for a September 26^th Surgery. I cried and told them that it was going to be too late but since Mom hadn’t been to any Doctor in years, she needed tests to make sure she was healthy enough for surgery. Jenny, our nurse and God-sent scheduler, worked with us to get everything we needed to get done. Mom and I ran all over the countryside for the next two weeks getting this and that done. She was a trooper trying to hide how bad it was and how much pain she was in. I was positive that we were going to beat this.

Sept 18th was our last hurdle before surgery. She was scheduled for an upper and lower GI to see if there were any blockages or abnormalities the medical team needed to be aware of during her surgery. It was a medical center about 15 minutes from the hospital. My heart sank when 30 minutes after she went in the nurse came out and asked me to come inside.

What was going on? Was she done already? Mom and I were informed that her oxygen levels were too low and they wouldn’t put her under at the facility. They suggested taking her to the hospital where, if something were to happen, there was the right equipment and specialists who could jump in to help.

The nurse arrange for EMS to pick up Mom and take her to Morristown Medical Hospital. I called my brother and Dave, my then-fiancé, to let them know of the changes in the plan. I wait quietly with Mom for the ambulance to arrive and then I jumped in my car to carefully drive over to the hospital. The ER was waiting for her and started running tests as we waited for the GI test to be done.

By that afternoon Mom was admitted and taken to the Simon 5 where a team specializing in cancer waited. By this time, it was determined that the cancer had spread and blocked her bladder diminishing her kidney functions. There were several attempts, test and other procedures before we got the tubes in to help with this hurdle

However after two weeks had past, I learned the cancer had spread everywhere. A few days later, Mom gave in to her fate and past away. It was only 24 hours earlier that I watched her and her Doctor decide that she was done fighting.

Thanks to a crazy friend and Dave, I was able to stay with her thru out the night so I was there when she took her last breath. I hated everyone that day. I looked at people to blame. The easiest three were God, the medical team and Mom. I spent a lot of time recounting what had happened to see where we went wrong. That was the beginning of the journey.

My Mom’s final wish to me was to not mourn her but to celebrate her. In public where people could see, I did just that. However, when I retreated behind closed doors, I was angry and bitter. Only one person witnessed this, Dave. He knew that I wasn’t doing well and suggested I reach out to people. I would snap that I was fine and handling it in my own way.

I fought him for a year and a half before I realized I wasn’t dealing with it and I needed to seek help. I turned to one person I was ticked at, God. I started asking for my heart to find peace. I told myself that the medical teams did everything they could for her. I had to accept that she wasn’t responsible. No one was really responsible for Mom’s death. It just happened.

I bought an interactive book about grief so that I could privately work through it. I began to journal about my feelings and memories. Slowly the anger and bitterness melted away. I started finding small bits of joy in her memory that I had lost. It wasn’t until Christmas Eve service when I really realized how far I had come.

I struggled as to whether or not I wanted to go to the service. Was I just doing it because it was what we always did or was I looking for something else? I went to see what would happen. If I got nothing out of the service then I didn’t have to go back next year.

Surrounded by the ghosts of my past (after attending the church for 42 year, there were a few), I walked into the church. I didn’t tear up from grief but saw the magical way the church looked at this time of the year. It was dressed with evergreens and candle as well as adorned with the nativity, which Barbara had purchased while traveling to Germany. Then the organ came to life and it filled the air with a kaleidoscope of sound. Halfway thru the service I listened as Father Tim spoke about finding wonder in this crazy world. I started to get teary eyed and wondered if this was going to be the point where I cry. I didn’t but still realized I was getting emotional.

Following communion came the one song I dreaded singing for the last 23 years, Silent Night. It is the one song that took me back to my childhood when my parents would constantly sing it so I would know it for the church pageant. I always cried during this song. There were years I cried so hard I couldn’t get the words out.

However, this year was different. Something changed within me. I found the joy in the song and sang the whole song loudly and slightly off-key with a smile on my face. I was surprised and proud of myself that I was smiling and not crying! The song ended and my heart felt free. I felt at peace.

I will miss my parents and there will be moments when I wished they were here, but my heart and soul accepted their fate and granted me peace to start the New Year!

Filed Under: Be True To You! Tagged With: Cancer, choices, Christmas, Church, Family, Friends, Grief, Health, healthy, Holiday Memories, Holidays, journey, Peace, Traditions

2016 – A Year That Didn’t Go As Planned

December 24, 2016 by originalcyn Leave a Comment

In the beginning of 2016 I was hopeful. I was working at UPS temporarily as a pre-loader but 2016 was going to be the year I found my dream job and got married.

At the end of January I had caught a cold that was making its way around the hub. That last week I struggled to keep up with loading the trucks properly. Those weeks taught me to appreciate UPS workers and how they bust their butts. The first week of February is when I fainted on Dave and my world turned upside down. All my plans for the year went out the window. It was severely anemic from uterine blood loss.

I no longer could dance, run around the neighborhood or hit the gym (which I joined to stay fit for the wedding…lol). I discovered that I had fibroids in my uterine wall and it had to be removed. Since our wedding date was set for April, it was discussed and determined by my fabulous Doctor that we would have to wait until after the wedding for surgery. There simply wasn’t enough time between to get me on the schedule and have enough time to recover.

Not wanting to push the wedding off yet again, Dave and I agreed with the plan. I quietly waited at home while my body fought me every step of the way. I can’t tell you how many times Doc had to change my medication just to get it to stop bleeding.

On April 24^th surrounded by a small group of family and friends, Dave and I finally got married. As planned, we kept it simple and it was a beautiful day.

Our wedding bliss was short lived when I fainted yet again a few days later. That is when Doc’s team and Dave’s HR manager worked overtime to get me on Dave’s insurance. The effort it took to push the paperwork thru and then schedule my operation was amazing. I am forever grateful for everyone who helped out.

June 7^th I entered the Newton Medical Center for my hysterectomy. The procedure went smooth and I spent three days in the maternity ward. What a fabulous group of women. I was blessed to have the team that I had to help me while I was there. I was given a lot of pointers and a Giggle Pillow to help with minimizing the pain.

By the end of August I was back up and running. A little slow but I was moving again. I was back to dancing and hiking. I wasn’t winded just walking into the grocery store. It was amazing.

Now you may be wondering about the dream job? I did join a fabulous team (North Porch – Women and Infants’ Centers) as their Program Director.

I have reflected on this past year and what I learned. First, all the best plans in life can change in a moment so enjoy everything whether it’s planned or not.

Second, to be gentle with myself. Over the past year I wondered if I had done this, would I have caught this sooner and not have to hit the critical stage I hit. I also gained weight as I went from active to sitting all the time. I am looking to loose some of it but have to realize that my body changed in a big way and things I did in the past might not work as well.

Third, kind of goes with number two, eat better. Since I wasn’t feeling good I relied on crackers and bread for many meals. I need to cut back all of that so I can become a healthier me. I won’t give up everything but I will be looking to eat cleaner, less processed foods. I have a lot I want to do next year and I want to run circles around 2017.

Here’s to the next adventures in life!

Filed Under: A Little of This, Adventures, Be True To You! Tagged With: 2016, 2017, adventure, choices, Determination, dream, dreams, Emergency, employment, Goals, grateful, Health, healthy, Husband, Job, Jobs, journey, Love, Love Yourself, Loving You, Medical, Planned, Sidelined, Unhealthy, Unplanned, Wife, Woman, Women

Beauty – Feeling Beautiful Freeman Facial Masks

August 2, 2016 by originalcyn Leave a Comment

Part of my wellness/beauty journey has been searching for better skin care products as my face still breaks out like when I was a teenager. One step in my routine I have grown to love is facials and facial masks. There have been plenty of high end masks but I always looked for a drug store/bargain mask that works. I also have a preference of masks you wash off. I am not a big fan the peel-off masks, although I do use them on occasion, such as Beauty360 from CVS.

I was thrilled to have discovered Feeling Beautiful Freeman Masks many years ago. However, the only way I could get them was in these travel size pouches. My first experience was with the Charcoal & Black Sugar Mud Mask for Normal/Combo Skin. I was always amazed on how it made my skin feel afterwards but it was a one time use pouch so I limited myself on how many times I would venture to use it.

A few years ago, I discovered that Ulta Beauty Store carried Freeman products in the full size tubes with a variety of masks. That day I purchased a variety and have tested them out.

I tried the Dead Sea Minerals Anit-Stress Mask to help clear pores and smooths skins. I was not a big fan of this one. I am not sure if it was the sea salt but I had a a burning sensation that would grow as I let it dry on the skin. I kept trying other kinds and found another mask that I completely love just as much as the first mask I tried. It is the Apple Cider Vinegar 4-in-1 Foaming Clay. My face feels smooth, clean and radiant but without any discomfort while it is one my face.

I apply a layer on my face and neck and allow it to dry completely. Afterwards I use a warm wet facecloth to swirl the product around. As it foams, I continue to swirl around while rinsing off the facecloth until all the product has been remove.

After each facial mask, I use a facial toner and moisturizer. I have found that when I apply a mask once a week my skin is beautiful and has become a regular staple in my skincare.

I look froward to trying other brands and Feeling Beautiful Freeman Masks.

Filed Under: Be True To You!

Listen to Your Body

March 11, 2016 by originalcyn 1 Comment

A few years ago, my body was sending me subtle messages that something was wrong with it. When I asked my doctors about my unusually heavy monthly bleeding, it was chalked up to be stress related. I accepted that for many years because I thought that the doctors knew best.

In 2014 I developed a bad habit of eating ice. I thought it was just stress related as my Mom was sick in the hospital. It wasn’t until the habit got worse in 2015 did I do the research. Not only was I damaging my teeth but the craving and eating ice is a symptom of anemia. Without health insurance I felt like I had nowhere to turn so I attempted to deal with this myself by eating more iron rich foods.

By the end of the summer of 2015 my energy was dwindling when friendly advise sent me to give blood at the Red Cross. Why? The first thing they do is to test your hemoglobin to make sure you are a healthy candidate for giving blood. With a simple prick of my finger, I learned that I was on the verge of becoming severely anemic (For information on hemoglobin levels by the Red Cross, Click Here) . I started taking iron supplements and eating more iron rich foods.

I started to feel a bit better and thought I had this under control. In September I went to an OB/GYN for a follow up and asked about anemia and how it could be related to my heavy monthly visitor. Again, I was told that it was just stress. It was also recommended that I find ways to relieve the stress.

By late October, I stopped teaching belly dancing and was finding it difficult to hike with my backpack group. I was getting drained quickly. I tried more vitamins and eating better. At the end of November I took a holiday position loading box trucks. I thought regular exercise and proper eating would help me feel better, more energetic. By the end of January, I was sick and exhausted. I thought I had caught was going around work, it was just a head cold and it would pass in a week.

On Feb 2, I passed out on my kitchen floor. When I came to I was disoriented with fuzzy vision. Dave (my hubby-to-be) called 911 and an ambulance was sent.

My hemoglobin was 8.1 when I was admitted so they scheduled me for a blood transfusion. I also underwent a battery of tests to find the underlying reason I was seriously iron deficient. The OB/GYN on duty found a fibrous mass in my uterus, which was the cause for the heavy bleeding as well as enlarging my uterus. In nearly five years, she was the first person to give me a medical reason other than stress for all of this.

To regain my life’s activities, I had to take a seat and rest with little activity, take the right iron supplement (yes, there are different kinds) and hormonal medications to reduce the bleeding as well as eat healthier. It has been a struggle to set aside my favorite activities such as dancing, hiking and exercising. Even walking around the stores can be a struggle some days.

The good news is I know what is wrong and am working with my doctor to find the best plan to recovery as quickly as possible. I just can’t help but ask – what if the previous doctors had figured this out a few years ago? Would they be following the same course of action to clear up the underlying problem?

Unfortunately, my experience has been that many doctors treat the symptoms without truly knowing the underlying cause. Sometimes they are lucky and the person gets better. However, as in my case, things became worse.

Moral of the story:

If you think there is something wrong that your doctor is not addressing, please seek a second or third opinion. I can’t help but to think how much easier I would have it if only I had pushed the issue when I first started seeing the signs.

Filed Under: A Little of This, Be True To You!, Various Tagged With: choices, dance, dancing, Doctors, exercise, fitness, Health, healthcare, healthy, lifestyle, Love Yourself, Loving You, stress, unheathly, Woman, Women

Stop the Body Shaming

March 7, 2015 by originalcyn Leave a Comment

As someone who struggle with body image, I was forced to look at myself again when a size 12 model (who is gorgeous) was called Sport Illustrated first plus size model. Was it SI that called her that or was it the media? Who made the determination that she was a plus size? Why did she need a classification at all? Wasn’t her beauty enough? After all she was in SI’s swimsuit edition.

As a size 10/12, I looked at myself and wondered, “Am I really a plus size?”

Well according to many fashion and fitness organizations, I am. My journey to love me has been a constant struggle all my life because my mind has given into the beautiful ideal that I think I should fit into. I watched the actresses, models and fitness gurus and wondered why I could look like that? The answer is simple: I wasn’t built like them and I am not suppose to be them. I am suppose who I am!

So then why is there a constant need for the media to show us unrealistic images of women and say that this is the norm? Who has flawless skin? No one does. Who has the perfect body? No one does. So why is it that the industries think that a size nothing is the ideal of beauty.

So what is the “perfect” body? I say, there is none. Its a mythical ideal that industries have used against women for many years. Or you could say, they all are. I have friends of all shapes and sizes and I think they are all beautiful! In my late thirties is when I decided to learn to love me and my body. I admit, it has been a struggle. I still compare myself to the unrealistic ideal and wonder whether or not I was good enough.

Still, this story had me looking around for what was the average size of American women so I could see I compared. I found that most articles and studies agreed that the average size of women in the US is size 12 or 14. So why is the average considered plus size or obese? Why is it that we average women are shamed into thinking that we should be skinnier, prettier and flawless?

I know that no matter how much I work out or how much I diet, I will NEVER be anything less than a size 10/12. I know, I tried it and I was miserable and sick. I have learned how to cleaner and less processed foods but I don’t deny myself the foods that I love. My exercise of choice is belly dancing at least three to four times a week. I am learning to enjoy my life and living it to the fullest.

I say we stop women and girls from shaming ourselves into disliking or even hating who we are based on unrealistic ideals. We should base our lives on who we are, what we do for those around us and how we feel?

Shouldn’t we be kind to us and love ourselves with all of our glorious flaws? Shouldn’t we be teaching the next generation of girls and women all everything it took many of us years to figure out.

I think it is time that we stand up to the media, fashion and fitness and say, “ENOUGH! I love who I am and I won’t try to be something I am not, nor ever will be.”

Filed Under: Be True To You! Tagged With: Bathing Suits, Bikini, Body Shaming, Girl, Girls, Love Yourself, Loving You, Woman, Women

Start of a New Year – 2015

January 1, 2015 by originalcyn Leave a Comment

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

~ Oprah Winfrey

It is the start of 2015. So what is in store for this year?

Walking in the woods, belly dancing at various events, improving my health and wellness, visit histroical locations and the list goes on. I'll be sharing my 2015 adventures with you.

I'll record stories of my adventures and childhood memeries. I'll share my favorite artists, photos and inspirational quotes. I'll write about hisorical locations and people of interest.

I wish everyone a Happy and Healthy 2015. Let the Adventures Begin!

Filed Under: A Little of This, Adventures, Be True To You!, Bucket List, Culinary, Drinks, Food, Historical, Leisure, People, Places, Travel, Uncategorized, Various Tagged With: adventure, Bucket List, dream, historic, journey, places

Join Me on My Journey

From Grief to Peace

2016 – A Year That Didn’t Go As Planned

Beauty – Feeling Beautiful Freeman Facial Masks

Listen to Your Body

Moral of the story:

Stop the Body Shaming

Start of a New Year – 2015

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Join Me on My Journey

From Grief to Peace

2016 – A Year That Didn’t Go As Planned

Beauty – Feeling Beautiful Freeman Facial Masks

Listen to Your Body

Moral of the story:

Stop the Body Shaming

Start of a New Year – 2015

Recent Posts

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Meta